This transcript has been lightly updated for clarity.
Heidi Franz Host 00:00
Recently I was introduced to a new book called Kit and the Missing Notebook by Chris and Lindsay Wheeler. In the book they introduced the idea of teaching a child to cook to help with their anxiety. And in reading over the author’s notes I realized cooking creates an opportunity for the child’s senses to be awakened.
It got me thinking about doing other chores, whether that is doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, gardening or the laundry, and how, as parents, we can provide our kids with an opportunity to serve the family and work together in a calm manner that will actually help reduce their anxiety.
Today we’re going to go back into the archives and listen to one of the most popular posts that we have about providing kids with chores. What’s the purpose? What does the Bible say about building a work ethic? And as you listen, I want you to be thinking about how this help your child with anxiety, with stress, with low self-esteem? What is the role chores are going to play in your home? One of my favorite parts of summer is being able to focus on the things that kind of go to the wayside because of the busyness of the school year.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 01:27
In today’s podcast, we’re going to focus on one of those areas.
Heidi Franz Host 01:31
Welcome back to Parenting to Impress, your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson, two moms who have made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way.
So this activity that I was talking about at the beginning of this podcast, Melanie, is teaching your child how to work.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 01:57
Yeah, I mean. And what’s so interesting is that in a lot of circles, work has become a dirty word. And why do you think that is? I don’t know. I can’t tell if it’s like we’re just scared that we are making our kids adults too quickly. You know like we’re putting we’re foisting an adult thing on them too early? Or is it because we’re already so busy that we don’t really wanna take the time?
Heidi Franz Host 02:21
And it does take a lot of time to teach your kids how to work. What we want to work on today, what we want to talk about today, is why do you teach your kids to work? Is it really important, or is it something that’s kind of archaic, that just families on the farm did and now it’s not needed in this 21st century? And then what does that look like in a family?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 02:47
if you choose to teach your children, how to work Right, which is some practical ideas, and I think we probably just gave away our view that if we’re going to give you practical ideas, I think we spoiler alert. We do see value in training your children to help around the house.
Heidi Franz Host 03:02
And that’s not just because we don’t want to do the house clean in ourselves, we don’t want to do all the laundry and the cooking. We actually have a biblical reason, because everything we do on this podcast, on the blog and at ABCJesusLovesMe.com goes back to what the Scripture says. So, what does the Bible say?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 03:18
Let’s go all the way back to the Garden of Eden, when God created man and woman. It tells us we were created to work. Yes, and even, I think, talking about our intrinsic value, which is the purpose of glorifying God. We do that with our hands, with our bodies, with our mouths, with our thoughts, all of it. It’s a holistic take on humanity. So that means that we are called to labor.
Heidi Franz Host 03:53
You’re exactly correct. The problem with that is that that is not something we instinctively do. We would much rather do what we want to do when we want to do it, and work requires us to go beyond, to that next level, right.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 04:08
So, as a mature adult, as a Christian, you probably know that I mean that we are, as believers, called not to be selfish. But, how do we do this with a child, a toddler?
Heidi Franz Host 04:20
I think of that verse, Mark 10:43-44. “Whoever wants to become great among you must be a servant, and whoever wants to be first must be a slave to all. Jesus himself is saying that we are to serve others.”
Melanie Simpson Co-host 04:37
Even though you might be thinking, well, my three-year-old is not a Christian yet, that’s okay. It’s the same thing you do when you are teaching them to read the Bible and you’re talking to them about Jesus. It’s training, it’s all training.
Heidi Franz Host 04:50
We’re laying that foundation with the end in mind. There it is. With the end goal. You knew it was coming with the end goal that by that time that child is 18 and leaving the nest, that they have a servant attitude and are ready to do whatever God calls them to do.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 05:10
Yes. If we know we have been created for work, I also want to say the other side of that coin is that we were not created for idleness. That’s coming from 2 Thessalonians 3:6-15. I won’t read the whole verse, but the point is that we are, as believers in a community of believers, called to show our love for one another by serving one another.
Heidi Franz Host 05:35
That’s just another word for work, and that serving can look so different, but I think every time I serve, it is still putting myself behind the other person, putting that other person first A few. Well, actually, many years ago I did the Experiencing God study by Henry Blackaby. In it he explained that God is at work around us, and we are to jump in. To jump in, and as I have just muddled through that thought through my adult life, I’m realizing that until I get rid of my laziness and my selfishness, I don’t see God’s work and I don’t see to jump in.
We’ve talked about what the Bible says. Now let’s start talking about what is the purpose of work. Obviously, the end mind, the end goal is that the child will have a servant’s heart and do what God wants them to do. But are there any pluses to teaching a child to work when they’re little?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 06:42
Well, for sure. I mean. It is a whole lot easier to make training chores etc. fun when a child is one, two, three years old. Before we started recording, I told Heidi, literally yesterday. I was teasing my 14-year-old. I said, “Oh, are you going to be a big boy to help me unload the dishwasher? Such a good boy.” I mean. How do you think that went over with a 14-year-old? So obviously the opportunities to make it fun and encourage when they are younger the opportunities are much greater.
Heidi Franz Host 07:13
And little kids want to help. They want to be a part of what you’re doing, they want to feel big. I mean, do you ever buy your 14-year-old a little broom and a practice vacuum with batteries? I mean, think about this. You don’t do that, but a two-year-old, if they have their little vacuum that they can go around the house with you. I mean you thought you gave them the best gift ever, exactly.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 07:39
And Heidi has a great, free age-appropriate chore chart. If you are wondering, “What can my two-year-old do? What is appropriate for a three-year-old?” Head over and check that out, because that’s really helpful to process through, “Am I asking too much of my toddler?”
Heidi Franz Host 07:57
Exactly.
The purpose is that end goal for them to serve. But it’s also that training, the training to prepare them to be able to serve. But the third thing that I would add is also that having children have roles, chores in your family gives them purpose. It gives them a place in your family.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 08:19
They know that that’s a job that they do and we know that God talks about how we each have kingdom work to do and you mentioned that earlier with the Henry Blackaby study, that we are all called to be participants in kingdom work. That’s going to look different for everybody and just because you are training your child to vacuum doesn’t mean their career is a vacuum cleaner salesman. That’s not what we’re saying, but it does help them open their eyes to that. I am capable, I have something to offer God’s kingdom work and I can love my family members by serving them doing this chore and it creates a team atmosphere.
Heidi Franz Host 09:00
And it creates a team atmosphere. You know, growing up on the farm, my dad’s philosophy in life was the family that does farm chores together sticks together. And we did because it was a team activity and it’s always more fun to do activities together, whether that is dusting the house and vacuuming or doing laundry. Do it together, turn on a fun song and dance while you’re doing that. But it provides a family initiative, a family atmosphere that we desire for our kids to have in the process of learning how to work.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 09:34
Absolutely. And that then translates to as an adult member of a Christian community, you don’t want to be a burden on your Christian community, and by that I just mean that if you are capable of work, you work, and then what that allows us to do is be generous, to be able to help those who cannot participate in work. So, again, it’s with the end in mind. What is my purpose? It’s to serve the community of God. Then as an adult, I’m also participating in that Kingdom work. I can be generous with my gifts. I can be generous with my strengths and my capabilities and my finances. What am I earning as a living that can go back to God?
Heidi Franz Host 10:14
And you know as a two-year-old, when they are working, they have a sense of accomplishment. But what a joy it is to be able to give back to God from what you have done with work as well. Absolutely, I love that. Okay, so we’ve talked about the purpose of work. We’ve gone back and look at scripturally what does the Bible say, and we can see in a lot of what Peter and Paul have written to the first church about the importance of work and carrying your own weight as much as you possibly can, about the importance of work and carrying your own weight as much as you possibly can. So let’s talk about how this looks practically with your kids in your home? And I’ll start with this question Melanie. If I have a two or three-year-old, it’s very easy to start because they have a desire to help. But if I have a 9, 10, 11-year-old, is it too late?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 11:03
It absolutely can be taught at any point. But you do have to understand. You will probably get more pushback from an older child, right? Because, as you and I know, we tend to be more inward focused. The older we get, we begin to see how we can be selfish, especially if we’ve gotten away with it. Oh, absolutely.
Heidi Franz Host 11:23
Yeah, the more selfish you are, the more selfish you’re going to be, exactly Because it just compounds itself. So one of the things that I use in the ABC Jesus Loves Me curriculum is, first of all, teaching kids to pick up their toys. They don’t have to be walking yet. As soon as they’re sitting up and playing with toys, you bring a box over to them or a container over to them and you help them start picking up the toys. It might be that you take your hand and gently place it on top of their hand and gently help them. It’s called hand over hand. You gently help them pick up those toys and place them where they need to be and then, as they get older and they start walking, they’re going to start putting their clothes in the hamper. They’re going to start taking their cup to the kitchen sink.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 12:09
It starts with very little things and then slowly moves on from there. I’m sure that there are questions popping up, like: Aren’t children supposed to just play? Isn’t that what kids are supposed to do, just play? Why are we asking them to work?
Heidi Franz Host 12:27
Oh, that’s a great question, and play is where children learn Absolutely. But we are looking at creating a child, building a child with a solid foundation and a lot of times with play it’s whatever that child wants to do. We’re doing the training portion, where we sometimes will run into issues that they don’t really want to help with some of these things. We’re molding, we’re think about like sandpaper on a rough edge. We’re taking that sandpaper ever so gently, not rough sandpaper, very gentle sandpaper and we’re just smoothing off those rough edges and helping that child conform their will to what God’s will is instead Right and to your point.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 13:17
I’ve also heard the analogy of it’s like a wagon wheel rut. When the wagon trains went out west, you could see literally the ruts that they made from the wagon wheels. Well, when you have a two, three, four-year-old, those ruts are not that deep yet. It’s a lot easier to get them out of that rut and onto a different path than it is when those ruts have gotten so deep. It’s much harder to get those wheels up over the edge and started on a new path.
Heidi Franz Host 13:48
Oh wow.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 13:49
So that’s just kind of your impetus to get started when they’re young. Get them. Don’t let those wagon wheel ruts get too deep, too quick.
Heidi Franz Host 13:59
And if they do get deep, it doesn’t mean you can’t get those wagon wheels out of those rests. It’s just going to take more work. So just be prepared for that, and I would also encourage you to start slowly. Do not move from a child who has had absolutely no responsibility to suddenly they’re in charge of every meal laundry 20 chores. It will absolutely blow up in your face. I would encourage you to start small. Okay. So, Melanie, let’s say you have a one, two, maybe even a three-year-old, tell me some things that your four kiddos did at that age.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 14:35
Okay, so easy one. Every morning they were responsible for “making their bed.” Because the first thing that I would caution all of you out there is that it’s probably not going to be up to your expectation of what a tidy bed looks like or whatever the chore is. So a lot of times it was a blanket that was pulled up, kind of crock-eyed, as my kids used to say, or crocodile-ed, and then the pillow was kind of cattywampus at the top of the bed.
Heidi Franz Host 15:05
The child has done that, how do you know when that is the best that they can do and how do you reward them for doing their best versus a child who did not due to their ability? How do you?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 15:21
manage that in your mind. Well, I would say it takes time. I mean, there are going to be children who very quickly catch on and their natural inclination is for tidiness and order, and so we want to be careful too. We don’t want to over-reward kids who are hardwired that way and then be disappointed, or discipline kids who, honestly, that’s just so far off their radar. So it’s that middle ground. I mean, what’s the phrase you’re so fond of? Keep it between the ditches. Be a good student of your kid and pay attention to…when they were folding the napkins at the dinner table tonight I noticed they creased them quite nicely. So I wonder then when, in the morning, when it comes to making that bed, they can pull that sheet up a little bit more tidy, right?
Heidi Franz Host 16:08
And I know a lot of moms struggle with well, should I fix it? Do I leave it the way they did it because they are proud of it, or do I fix it and show it to the next level? And I know as a mom that was something I struggled with. You know, how do I know? And I know I sound like a broken record, but I keep coming back to the Holy Spirit tells me if I will listen. He will show me. Hey, Heidi, today they are very proud of the work they did. Let it go. And then sometimes I would just straighten it up a little bit and I’d say, “I want you to take this corner and pull it.”
Melanie Simpson Co-host 16:45
I’m going to take this corner and pull it and look here, we just took it to that next level, yeah, and even asking them the question hey, do you think we could you know we could pull this up here, or is this the best that you could do? Sometimes I deal. This is not a question that’s going to scar them for life. I’m asking, “Can you do a little bit better?” As a young child, they’ll probably tell you very honestly yes or no.
Heidi Franz Host 17:08
It’s this fear that we are going to scar them if we go and fix something. Kids are very resilient, yes, if we walk in there and yell at them for the job they did and they feel like, well, that was the best I could have done, but I don’t think that’s the norm, so we need to get rid of that outlier fear.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 17:29
Yes, yeah, for sure, okay. So then the next question would be then do you reward for chores? Oh, that’s a really good question. You asked me that and I’m deflecting.
Heidi Franz Host 17:38
Yes, and that’s very fair. You know, we did not reward for chores. It is our opinion that, being part of this family, we work together. Our theme verse for our family is Colossians 3.23. Whatever you do, work heartedly as for the Lord and not for men. And that is everything we do. Whether the kids are helping in the garden or the lawn, or in the kitchen or in the laundry room, whatever they are doing, we talk about that. We are working for God and to bring him glory institute what we called above and beyond.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 18:14
If we noticed a child taking a task on for him or herself that was above and beyond their assigned chores, we would make sure to notice it and just you know, it doesn’t have to be a big thing. But they also had an opportunity to earn for extra chores that could be helping me turn the garden over or wash a car. If somebody was looking to earn some extra money, those things were available. But you’re right, as far as the daily things that made our household run smoothly, it was all hands on deck, yeah.
Heidi Franz Host 18:56
We did for a while do what I would call the quarter system, and we will link that in the show notes as well, and what that helped with was provide an opportunity for the kids to see financially what it looks like to have a “job,” and so that’s something you can dig into if you are wanting to provide financial encouragement to the kids. Provide financial encouragement to the kids. But I would say when you start with a little one, it just becomes part of their life. They just know this is what we do. My kids will say in the Fran’s house you help because we are a team and mom can’t do everything, dad can’t do everything, just like we don’t expect the kids to do everything, so we all pull our own weight because we’re a family, yeah, and that ultimately helps prevent the martyr syndrome that we so often see.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 19:54
I’m guilty of it too, I mean I’ve definitely have had seasons where I feel like I’m the only one, but when the family understands we all participate, it lightens the load for each person. What is many hands make quick work, or light work sometimes, is how it’s phrased, and so it’s just part of who we are, yeah.
Heidi Franz Host 20:12
Okay, so we talked about a toddler, one two-year-old, maybe a three-year-old. Now let’s talk about a preschooler. Okay, three, four, five, what are some activities? Talking to a preschooler Three, four, five, what are some activities? I’ll start with this one. One of the things is the kids helped a lot in the kitchen and you would think, oh, that’s awful work, but kids love working alongside you and we even had a Kid-safe Knife that the kids would use as they’re working. I personally did not have my kids do the dishes, even though they would have loved to. That was a chore that we waited much longer for them to do. But emptying the dishwasher and one of the things to think about is there are so many academic learning opportunities in helping with chores such as with the dishwasher and laundry sorting by colors, by shapes, by size. What else did you guys do?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 21:10
Same thing. Emptying the dishwasher, count how many knives you’re putting away. Let’s talk about, like you said, in comparison a small bowl, a large bowl, a large fork, a small fork, all those things we introduced. Cleaning the toilets, because the toilet wand was so fun for a four-year-old.
21:25 I mean who doesn’t want to swish around on the toilet water? But we also had pet chores, so they were cleaning up after pets, feeding pets, that sort of thing. Sweeping, even getting the children involved in the things that you wouldn’t necessarily think of. My husband brought our preschoolers out to the garage to watch how to change the oil to learn how to wash a car, I mean. So those are fun things too, but it’s just sometimes exposure is the first step.
Heidi Franz Host 21:54
You know I had a mom say on the ABCJesusLovesMe Facebook group that one of her regrets in parenting is that she thought that she had to provide all these things for her kids when in reality all she needed to do was include her kids in what she was doing even in dishes, laundry, cooking. They wanted to be part of her life and how your husband pulls the kids into what he’s doing in the garage. Kids want to be part of who you are. They want to do the things that you are doing, and we miss out on so many conversations, so much training that can happen when we think it’s so much easier to do it ourselves.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 22:41
Yeah, and I’ll just kind of circle back to what you said, Heidi, is that every human being longs for purpose. What a gift that we can give our children from a young age. We tell them, we show them we instruct them. You have been created for purpose. You are valuable and God has a plan for you, and part of it is to be a worker.
Heidi Franz Host 23:04
Yes, and you have the ability to work. We never want a child to come away from our homes thinking, “Well, I can’t do that, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough. But, on the other side, we also don’t want the child to come along thinking that I can do absolutely anything. We want that balance. Keep it between the ditches. We’re not going to over-inflate the child, but we are going to train them. So, Melanie, as we have been talking, I’m seeing that we’re going to need to divide this into two different episodes because there’s a lot of information to cover. We got a little wordy today we did, but there is a lot that I hope you have found to be helpful, and I hope that you can share it with a friend to help them as well. But I want to invite you to the next episode, as we will further this conversation.
Announcer 23:56
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