We are very prideful people. Seriously! We want everyone to believe that we are great moms who love and discipline our kids perfectly. If someone thinks differently, we are hurt on a personal level.
A part of me wants to tell the whole world that Bubs has SPD. Then if he has a rough day, I won’t look so bad. People then would “understand” what is going on instead of looking at me like I need to do my job. But I realize that this is a pride issue. I am more concerned about what people think of me than Bubs succeeding.
I urge you to pray about your motive. It is so easy to take our child’s behavior as a personal attack on us as moms.
With that said, there are helpful points that people need to know so that your child can succeed. When we have a babysitter, I tell Bubs – in front of the babysitter – that when he feels like he is getting out of control to go jump on the trampoline. I then reinforce it with the babysitter. She doesn’t need to know any more information than that. I also tell her other calming activities to do with Bubs.
If we continually have issues at church, I will explain to a teacher that we are working on Bubs not following bad choices that other people make. Please move him if he sits by someone making bad choices.
Before going somewhere, Bubs and I pray about him making good choices. We talk about Jesus living in his heart (Bubs was saved last summer). Jesus is always with him helping him make good choices.
Above all, not matter what the diagnosis (SPD, ADD, Autism), we have to help children learn to function in the real world. Bring in a professional – for us it has been through Occupational Therapy – to come along side you. Constantly ask questions. For the first year of OT, I was in every minute – watching, learning, taking notes of what to do with Bubs at home. If we have something that is causing issues at home, I take it to OT for them to work on it with him. (Our kitchen timer sent Bubs through the roof, so Ms. W used our timer at therapy to help him get over the sensory issue with it.) I can’t say enough about Occupational Therapy and the difference it has made.
Train up your child to love the Lord and love others. It is not easy. But God will walk ever step of the way with us.
Thank you, Heather, for this great question (and for your comments). Please let me know your questions as well as thought about what you find on this blog!
I think you are very right about our pride. We definitely need to consider our motives in telling or not telling people about SPD. On the other hand, I do think there may be times when it is appropriate to tell others even if it isn't to benefit the child DIRECTLY, or is intermingled with wanting to be viewed as a competent parent. Parental support is very necessary to the success of the child. Worn out parents aren't as useful as they could be to their child. Also, I wonder if people will respond as well to what seems like strange requests/suggestions for my child if they don't have a clue about why he needs the modification. To the average parent or teacher, jumping on a trampoline probably seems ridiculous and completely unrelated to the problems it's used to help with. So, not understanding why you ask for it, they're probably unlikely to implement it and just brush you off, thinking you're strange at best and a poor parent at worst. In this case, the way people perceive the parent (whether good or bad)could easily affect the way the child is handled and whether or not his/her needs are met. Hope that makes sense.
I do understand what you are saying, Heather. I also appreciate your comment.
Where I am coming from are the teachers/adults in Bubs life that are short term and random. Yes, I do go into more detail with teachers who have him for frequent and longer amounts of time.
Also, as I stated, Bubs does not have trouble 99% of the time with other adults. They do not push him into situations like those at home and activities that last several hours. Because of all of this, I am speaking from my situation only.
Of course, you have to do what you need to by keeping the best interest of your child in mind. You must be your child's biggest cheerleader and advocate.
Hope this helps explain a little better.
I agree that it's prudent to not tell most people unless it is essential for your child to succeed. The more mainstreamed they can be the better. If they seem a little odd at times, or a little naughty at times that doesn't mean we have to explain ourselves or them. And yeah, short term babysitters or other caregivers probably wouldn't necessitate all that info, unless the child has more extreme symptoms. It can be hard to determine which way to go, with who, and when. There are so many factors to consider. I think a lot of my desire to tell people (like teachers) is to make his life easier. But you have a good point that he does have to learn to function in the real world, and things will not always be easy. So I guess, as long as he's coping OK, I'll continue to just let it be. I sometimes worry that he'll get a bad reputation being viewed as naughty if people don't understand what's going on with him. My concern in that teachers might be short-tempered or harsh with him when he doesn't even mean to be disruptive or uncooperative. I don't want him to feel like he can never do anything right. But, I guess that's because I expect him to act at church like he acts at home, and from all the reports I get, he's doing just fine at church. I don't think we're contradicting each other at all, just elaborating really. Plus, like you said, it's different depending on each child's needs and the situtaion. Thank you for all your thoughts on the subject! It really helps me to think it through with someone.
I think there is also the aspect of being real to people in your lives, especially at church. You don't know if another family might be experiencing similar issues and you can help each other with suggestions or encouragement. It is very hard on us to feel that our child is the "problem" child – I don't want to tell others just to make myself feel better, but there should be somewhat of a family atmosphere among at least some of your church friends so that you can be real about your struggle and your child's struggle. It can feel very lonely at times.
I agree 100%, Mary. The church should be the place where we can receive support and love. We need to be real to help others feel welcome and not alone.
So much of what I shared depends on the size of your church. What this post focuses on is our motive and what is best for our child.
Thank you for sharing and I hope that these posts encourage you.