This transcript has been edited for clarity.
Heidi Franz Host 00:00
There is a famous parenting quote that says, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” I think about a mom who carries a child’s backpack to and from school, or a parent who makes the teenager’s lunch every day. It’s so easy because we deeply desire to love our kids, yet do we love them best when we do things for them? This is the topic that we are going to cover today.
Welcome back to Parenting to Impress your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson. Two moms who have made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way.
Melanie, a lot of times this saying, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself” sounds really harsh to parents. They think, “But I want to help my child. My child needs me.” What do you think about that?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 01:00
Well, I’m sure you’ve been there too, especially with a pre-K or a younger child, they’re just so frustrated by a task and you just want to help them. We’re loving them by stepping in to help them. Right? It can feel kind of confusing to hear, “No, no, step back and let them figure it out or let them do it.” It might feel unloving.
Heidi Franz Host 01:23
We did some research, looking to see what studies show about kiddos whose parents step in versus those kids whose parents stay back, let them get frustrated, do things on their own. What did you find?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 01:42
One from Stanford, a very well-respected university. Their graduate school of education shared an article that specifically looks at what they call over-parenting. It’s those parents who are correcting or suggesting helping. They are asking questions in kind of an overbearing way, I would say, because it often happened even when the child was on task. There was nothing to correct or nothing to fix, and yet the parent continues to ask questions. Ultimately what happens is that you have a child who struggles regulating their own behavior because the over-parenting causes the child to question, “Am I not doing this right?” Or, can I not do this right?” This often bleeds over to the child’s emotions. They start to question how they feel. They were sitting there thinking they were successful at a task, but then the parent is over-parenting.
Another study shared that “excessive parental control suggests that over-parenting can have a negative impact on a student’s feelings of self-determination, competence, relatedness to significant others.” This results in the basic psychological needs being unable to develop normally.
Heidi Franz Host 03:03
A lot of it goes back to the child being happy, because success breeds happiness. When a parent continually steps in and steps over the child, the opportunity for the child to feel successful is taken away. Those critical thinking skills that occur through problem solving are diminished.
But I find it interesting that over-parenting actually creates a very selfish and ungrateful child. The child is selfish because the child never learns to serve anybody else or never learns to do something for themselves. They’re continually being served. Thus, they think they are number one. Also, they’re ungrateful because they’re continually being served and they never see what it’s like to not have somebody help them.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 04:00
Then Heidi, what are the positive outcomes when parents appropriately allow a child to feel frustration, having to work through a problem?
Heidi Franz Host 04:11
Well, if you’ve listened to the Parenting to Impress podcast in the past, you will know that we are big supporters of teaching kids responsibility and that teaching responsibility builds independence. It builds work ethic. We will post in the show notes links to several of these podcast episodes that you can listen for more ideas.
I also think it builds a sense of belonging and purpose for the child. The purpose is for the child to keep working harder, to work through things. There is going to be frustration in life but we learn to problem solve. We use trial and error to figure out what are the best options to get through this situation and be able to come out on the other side successful.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 05:04
And that’s not to say, “Don’t love or care for your child.” We are focusing on excessive coddling and over-parenting. I think that’s a natural inclination to want to help our kids. We want them to be successful. I want to say to the mom, the dad, the grandparent who is wondering, “Do I over-parent?” I know it comes from a good place. You love that child and you want them to be successful. But, like Heidi you just said, all of the research and studies point to letting them struggle, letting them figure some things out for themselves.
Heidi Franz Host 05:43
Which leads right into my next question. Melanie, why do we over-parent? Why do we coddle kids?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 05:50
It comes from a place of love. It’s hard to see your child struggling. Even when you know that it is what’s best, it’s really, really difficult to sit back. You imagine an 18-month-old with those big, chunky puzzles. They can’t quite get the pieces in. Research tells us that that struggle to twirl it around and clunk it into place is good for them. Letting the pre-K kid carrying the backpack from the van into the classroom. They’re capable. They can do it. It doesn’t make you a mean mom because you’re making them carry that backpack.
Heidi Franz Host 06:27
Right, which I think brings up a good point. I think sometimes we over-parent because we don’t want to look mean. We don’t want our kids to feel like they’re not loved. Also, we don’t understand child development.
In the show notes I have linked free developmental checklists for each of the ages, one through five. I greatly encourage you to check these because, I’ll be honest, I didn’t know what my three-year-old should be able to do and I would do things for them, not even realizing that it was age appropriate for this child to be brushing their teeth, making their bed and etc. We’ll talk about this more little later in the podcast.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 07:20
Those lists were always quite eye-opening to me. I thought I knew what my child was capable of. But when you see what they genuinely can do intellectually, developmentally, it’s pretty phenomenal.
Also, it was just easier for me to do it. I was tired, the child was tired. I was just in a rush to get it done. That’s okay if it’s every once in a while, but when it becomes the pattern, it can begin to grow an ungrateful, selfish child.
Heidi Franz Host 07:57
I didn’t slow down to help my kids be successful because I was busy. I wanted it done my way and, quite frankly, there was some pride in there that I felt like my child couldn’t do it well enough, or that idea that I feel my child can’t be successful without my help. At the root of that is pride.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 08:28
Yeah, a lot of it. For me would be a lack of willingness to take the time to train my child. The pendulum swung one way or the other. One way would be, “How come you don’t know how to tie your shoes?” without ever showing the child how to tie his shoes. Or it would just be selfishly. I want to move on to the next thing. The pride and the selfishness on my part that caused me to intervene in a way that was inappropriate.
Heidi Franz Host 08:50
Yeah, and here’s one more that I thought of. I think we over-parent because we try to live through our kids. We do the activities because we miss doing those type of activities, or maybe in our childhood we didn’t have that opportunity to do those activities.
And then, secondly, it’s very easy to find our purpose in our kids. We fear that if we don’t do those things for our kids, our kids don’t need us as much. Thus we hold on tightly thinking, “As long as I keep doing this for my child, my child’s going to need me.” But, as we’ve talked on the podcast before, my purpose in life is not my children. My purpose is not weighed on how much my children need me. My purpose is between my Heavenly Father and myself.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 09:52
I want to touch on something that I came across in that research. A lot of this has increased post-COVID. It came out of that COVID world where we, rightly, were very concerned about our children’s health and safety. I don’t want to dismiss those fears and anxieties because they are so real. But I think what we need to be mindful of is that, as with anything that can threaten our children, we cannot live in fear. We cannot live in this anxious state. God tells in His word that we’re supposed to cast those cares, cast those anxieties on Him. Talk to Him about them. We have to trust that He is either Lord of our lives, that includes our children, their wellbeing, their development, all the things, or we end up being these over-parenting, lawnmower and helicopter parents.
As you are maturing in your own faith, one of the fruits of that will be your ability to let go. Let your child struggle and not be fearful about what’s happening as they develop.
Heidi Franz Host 10:58
Yeah, fantastic! As we always do, let’s go back to scripture. What does the Bible say about raising kids who work through their problems, learn to take responsibility?
Melanie Simpson Co-host 11:13
The first one I come back to is “Train up a child” (Proverbs 22:6). Training is such a key word there. It’s not dictate, it’s not do for. Training inherently means that you are alongside the child, not over the child, hovering. The goal is passing the baton. That I’m going to teach you how to do this so that you will do this.
Heidi Franz Host 11:36
Yeah, Colossians 3:23-24, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as working for the Lord, not for human masters, Since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” We are working hard, not so we can get accolades, not so that we can get a larger paycheck. We are working for the Lord and that’s what I want kids to understand. Through that frustration, keep working, because they’re going to have frustrations as they’re serving the Lord. I mean, you and I both have experienced frustrations, even though we know we are doing what God desires us to do yeah.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 12:19
Now that we have discussed the problem and even look to scripture to point us in the right direction, how can we, practically speaking, stop taking over? How do we stop over-parenting?
Heidi Franz Host 12:30
I think number one is starting with those developmental checklists. Know what is age appropriate for your child and then see struggling and frustration as a good thing. Now, I’m not talking about where the child is in absolute conniption because they are so frustrated and exhausted. I’m talking about when the child is trying to put the piece in the puzzle and isn’t getting it immediately. We encourage. We help when asked, not just stepping in.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 13:07
Would this be an appropriate time for a preschooler to do hand over hand?
Heidi Franz Host 13:15
Absolutely, you could help the child hand over hand. But I think if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t step in unless I was asked. That trains the child to seek assistance when they need it, but also to work through things. Sometimes the best thing that that child can do is step away from the project and come back, because it’s in that stepping away that new ideas come.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 13:45
And, Heidi, I would just add, the same goes for the parents. If you find yourself with that itch to step in, pause and maybe even just pray and ask the Holy Spirit Lord, “Is this where you want me to help, or should I just step back?”
Heidi Franz Host 13:58
Every time you see your child is struggling, count slowly to 10 and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised when you give that wait time and processing time for the child.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 14:22
In the ABCJesusLovesMe Conferences you talk about the lag time that a child needs to process. Our minds are going 100 miles an hour. We anticipate that the child can’t fix it. Thus we step in and help. But for the child, the learning is happening in that process of deciding and frustration.
Heidi Franz Host 14:34
Let’s talk through some steps to teach a child a new skill.
#1 Do the skill for the child
#2 Do the skill with the child
#3 Watch the child do the skill on their own
#4 Let the child do it on their own
As I was thinking through these four steps, this is what Jesus did with His disciples. He demonstrated how to speak, how to share, how to love on people . Then He showed them by example and He worked alongside them. And then it wasn’t long until He was sending them off two by two, to do the teaching on their own
Melanie Simpson Co-host15:24
The most recent example that came to mind was teaching our children to drive. Yes, our children have been watching us drive cars their entire lives. And then, when it came time, we took them to the parking lot or a very safe places and we let them drive. Those curbs will never be the same at the high school. And then, bit by bit, we gave them more opportunities to practice until finally, along with the state of Arkansas, our children got licensed to drive on their own. It doesn’t mean that we don’t stop worrying about them. Of course we do, and we pray for them and we’re here if they have a question.
Heidi Franz Host 16:00
So let’s break this down. Let’s talk about some of the tasks that preschoolers can do that would be age appropriate. Let’s talk about how to do it for them, with them, watch them and then let them do it on their own. Here are just five. Again, those developmental checklists will give you a plethora of others. For preschoolers:
- Put away non-breakable dishes
- Put away their laundry
- Get dressed
- Brush their teeth and then parents come in and do a final run-through
- Carry their own supplies
So, Melanie, let’s take putting away laundry. This is one that we can do even before the child is walking. When they’re an infant, you do it with them. Let’s say you have just changed your nine months old’s clothes. Then let them carry their clothes as you carry them into the laundry room or to the laundry basket. Open the lid, let them drop it in. Then, when they’re starting to walk and they have their balance better, you’re going to watch them, take their laundry from point A to point B. Until, very quickly, they’re going to be able to do it on their own. You will not have to even remind them. They know. When the clothes are taken off, they take them to the laundry basket or the laundry room.
17:25
Elementary kiddos can pack their lunch. Obviously, the parent is going to make sure that we have a healthy lunch, not just chocolate milk and candy bars. But with training they can learn to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a turkey and cheese sandwich. This one may be a surprise, but elementary kiddos are developmentally able to approach a teacher with a question. They don’t need you to step in in the beginning. I will even tell my kids, when they come to me and say, “I’m having a problem at school,” I will say, “Have you talked to that teacher?” Because I will not talk to a teacher until my kids have gone through the proper channels.
18:12
Another one for elementary kiddos is gathering their supplies for the next day. Is their backpack packed? Do they have their clothes ready? Do they have their shoes ready? Are they prepared for that next day?
18:25
When I think about the teens in my home, I am going through a list of what do I do on a daily basis and are they gradually doing those things on their own? Making meals, shopping for groceries, setting an alarm and getting prepared for school. You don’t need to wake up a teenager. They can do that on their own, as they should do that on their own. Settling conflicts, managing homework and work schedules.
Melanie, I’m on a college parents’ Facebook group. I cannot tell you how many times parents come into that group asking how to get their child help on “A, B or C” and the group monitor will say, “Let your kids do this.” You are not helping them when you are asking how they can get refunds for the laundry machine or you are asking where they go to buy their books. These are things that they can ask questions of their RA staff or their teachers. By stepping in, we are enabling them and not allowing them to learn on their own.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 19:48
It is a noticeable trend in the modern employment world that we are beginning to see the results of this kind of parenting that you’re talking about. We have folks who are wanting so much time off just because they feel they deserve it. They are unwilling to take on challenging tasks, they pass up promotions. It’s really interesting to see how this is playing out, as this first generation, I think that experienced this level of over-parenting, has matured into the workforce.
Heidi Franz Host 20:26
But you know what’s interesting, Melanie, is, when I go to my daughter’s parent teacher conferences in a couple of weeks, the teachers cannot talk to me unless she has signed permission for them to talk to me because she is 18. I cannot call my son’s college and talk to the registrar or talk about billing unless he has signed papers for me to be able to do that. Is the world is expecting that kind of responsible by 18, we better have them prepared because we can’t step in even if we wanted to. I didn’t realize it was going to be like that.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 21:21
I think the other side of this, Heidi, is that it really gets to be such a sweet blessing when we do get to serve our kids in that way, because it’s out of drudgery. Or the feeling that these jobs are my identity.
Heidi Franz Host 21:40
Or that my child can’t do it for themselves so I must.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 21:42
When your kid comes home from college you do that load of laundry and it’s just a sweet little blessing to be able to do. Even when you were talking about the little kids taking their laundry, I get it. It’s hard when they’re little to keep that end goal in mind. But really the end goal of parenting, like you said earlier, is to release a human being who can take care of themself, who will contribute to society, is pleasant to be around.
Heidi Franz Host 22:12
And who is ready to step in where they see God working. No matter what it is, they are not afraid of the work, they’re not afraid of the challenge. If they see God working and this is something that they feel God is calling them to, they jump in without hesitation.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 22:31
We piggyback off that and say in the spiritual realm when we over-parent, I think one of the worst side effects is we inhibit our child’s ability to hear of the Holy Spirit. When all they hear is your voice, how can they learn to discern for themselves that God is speaking to them? That God is calling them to do something? Or, quite frankly, especially in the tween and teen years, telling them to avoid something, when they have to have us to tell them yes or no, this way or that way? How are they going to learn to hear from God?
Heidi Franz Host 23:08
Yes, oh, so good. Thank you, Melanie, for sharing that. We have two more points that I want to hit on, because I know there are people listening thinking, “Yeah, but what if they don’t do the job well?” I want to say, “Don’t let sloppy work slide.” There is a difference between the child doing the chore or the activity at an age-appropriate level and the child sliding by, hoping that you won’t do anything about it.
Melanie Simpson Co-host 23:49
Once that child has learned how to make a bed, just know your child. You know when that little turkey is trying to get away with something. Call them to working with all their heart, as if working for the Lord.
Heidi Franz Host 24:02
Absolutely, and kids are only going to reach as high as your expectations are. If your expectation for the four-year-old is to just throw the sheets on the bed and that’s it, that’s what they’re going to do. If your expectation for the four-year-old is to pull up the sheet, then lay out the comforter, they can do it. But also understanding if that child has the top bunk of a bunk bed…I mean, Melanie, I can’t make bunk beds! So we understand what is age appropriate for that child.
All right, we’re going to hit one more, “But they’re only little once. I only get to brush her hair for so many years. I only get to make this sandwich for so many years.”
Melanie Simpson Co-host 24:52
Well, you’re right, they are only little once, but there are ways, I think, to navigate this. When you talked about brushing the hair…I trained my daughter to wash her hair. She put the conditioner in, she combed through it. But we also had a really sweet time as she was getting ready for bed, where I would brush her hair. It was relaxing, it was soothing. Those were two of the same tasks, but they were done with different purposes.
Think about the first time each of my children were invited into an activity. You know how excited they are. I get to help make a sandwich with mommy. Yes, the newness wears off eventually. But part of loving our children well is opening their eyes to their capabilities, to things what these beautifully, fearfully, wonderfully made bodies can do and what intellect that God gave them.
But then, on top of that, I just keep coming back to it…Do you want a two-year-old trapped inside of a 30-year-old’s body? Because that’s what you’re going to get if you continue to over-parent.
Heidi Franz Host 25:56
And there is a difference between doing something for a child that they are able to do for themselves and doing something for a child because they can’t. Because you haven’t trained or haven’t required the child to do it. Teaching your daughter how to wash and brush her hair didn’t stop the opportunity for you to do it for her as well. That’s where the gratitude comes in. She understands the work that it takes to do something as simple, it seems to us, as brushing hair.
Melanie, this has been a really good topic. I am just so prayerful that listeners will hear the mistakes that we have made where we didn’t understand the development of our children. We were too busy to slow down. We had too high expectations. Hear the regrets that if we had to do it over again, we would.
You know, as we both get closer to the grandparenting side of life instead of parenting side of life, I think, “Wow, I will do this so differently.” Because I won’t be in a hurry and I will allow that child to do so much more and come alongside them instead of kind of drag them along. You know what I mean?
I hope this has been very helpful. I encourage you to check out the show notes, where there are multiple podcasts that will further your understanding on raising successful kids, building a heart of gratitude, how to make sure you’re not raising a selfish child, and other topics. I invite you to check out the show notes and join us again for our next Parenting to Impress podcast episode.
Announcer 27:59
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Read the corresponding blog post “Empowering Independence: A Guide to Letting Go.”